Last week Diane explored an adoptive mother’s statement to the effect that she does not refer to her girls’ first mothers as “mother” in front of them. Instead she calls both mothers “the China lady”. This parent’s rationale for avoiding talking about “mother” is that her children will find it confusing to know they had original mothers who a) loved them but b) relinquished them. She intends to fill in more pieces later (I got the impression) when they’re ready.
The sentiment that it is confusing/incorrect for a child to learn he or she had two mothers or fathers is also articulated or debated
here
here
here (post and comments)
here
here (post and comments)
here
here (13. Speakout)
here (comments)
Clearly, this is not a rare POV.
I wonder, though, if original parents are to be talked about . . . eventually . . . why they can’t be talked about right from the start. It’s no accident, I think, that “two mommies” and “two daddies” upsets people in another context, and you know what context I mean. It’s as though kids must be born with the idea in their heads that a family = mommy and daddy and anything that deviates from that will be confusing.
It may assure some people to know that as a single parent through adoption, I haven’t had to field the dad question very often. For one thing, there are a lot of single moms raising kids in downtown Toronto. At school, Simone has not had to deal with this issue. When she does bring up the subject now, it’s by way of informing me that I’m not allowed to date. Ever. The family is the family is the family. (Hey, she said it, not me.)
Kids are smart and resilient, so why do adults think they will confuse them? You take almost anything and explain it to kids—the challenge is to get to their level. They don’t care if the family arrangement is a little different from other arrangements; what they want to know is that you love them and that they have family.
Why would more family be confusing? Why isn’t it a blessing, even if those family members can’t be visible? Surely if you are at a loss for words, first parents could be compared to existing extended family?
About China in particular. Over the years, a few parents have told me they’ve taken refuge in the one-child policy when describing why parents had to let a child go. I believe it’s a good place to begin. Many parents also talk openly about the cultural norms that have been in place for thousands of years. That, I agree, is a conversation for later because young kids can get fixated on the black-and-white idea that boys are wanted and girls are unwanted. In contemporary China, that is simply not true. Some a-parents shy away from this conversation because they think it’s impossible to describe “government” to a 4-year-old. But it really isn’t. Just compare it to a team or club that has rules. I recommend some version of
Your parents couldn’t keep you because their country has so many people. The government tells parents they can’t have too many babies. Your parents tried so hard to make sure you would be safe. It’s OK to think of them and I bet they think of you too. We’re your mom and dad, and they’re your mom and dad too.
And please–Simone never got that tidy little speech either. I’ve stumbled through like everyone else and my attempts over the years were often a far cry from what they might have been but at the end of the day, that’s been the message around our place. You have parents. They were between a rock and a hard place. As kids grow older, you can keep adding to this story. And if your child doesn’t understand something, then explain it! (You would think reading some of this stuff that puts such a big stake in confusion that nobody ever has a follow-up conversation with anyone.) Of course, if your child was older at the time of adoption or also remembers a foster parent, your story is just going to get bigger. Nothing wrong with that.
I don’t think it’s fair or honest to separate the idea of “China” from a child’s parents. We aren’t just born to a country; we’re born to parents of that country, into a particular family and community. I agree with Diane that the expression “the China lady” is kind of grudging. Who is she? She’s almost anonymous. Especially in China, where the vast majority of women who surrender are married with kids, these women are already mothers and most of them likely hoped to be a mother again–so how is it not confusing to refer to this person as a “lady” and not a mother? Beats me, and it’s only a matter of time before the kids figure it out too.
I’d like to leave with one more link for thought. This is a terrific article by a first father whose child was adopted when he was one and-a-half. The mother’s rights in this situation remained permanently terminated but the father won, as he puts it, the right for his child to have two fathers. It’s a really lovely piece. Check out the conversation where both of them are referred to as “your dad”.
Nobody gets confused.
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