All has been harmonious in the Celestial Kingdom this week. The ardent nationalism and military displays have shown the world that China is interested in a ‘peaceful rise’, and the citizens of this fine empire have not had their joy disturbed by anything so mundane and unimportant as news of tsunamis or earthquakes or typhoons in other parts of the world. Obviously, part of the reason for this is that there are no other parts of the world, except of course for ‘Foreign Barbarian Land’.
The MyLaowai surveying and statistics bureau carried out an interesting study back on October 1st: We here at MLHQ asked a selected group of Laowai’s to carry out a survey for us. We did not tell them what or who the survey was for. There were two questions in the survey, which they were to ask of all the Chinese people they knew:
1. What are you doing this evening?
This question was asked during the morning. Of the several hundred responses, all but two replied that they would be at home watching the military parade on television. Of the remaining two, one was on a train to her hometown and was disappointed to be missing the parade, whilst the other was on a pilgrimage to Beijing to watch the parade.
2. Did you enjoy the parade?
One hundred percent of those questioned enjoyed the parade mightily, although the respondent who had made the pilgrimage was saddened to learn that no member of the public was permitted to watch the spectacle in person. Many went on to express further thoughts on the subject. The two comments that sum it up best were:
“I only like the part of the Army”
“This show is amazing. China is more stronger and great”
As a result of the worrying demonstration of Chinese military intentions, many nations around the world have raised their Threat Level assessments:
The British have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. China has been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly And Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform And Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new navy ready to deploy. These beautifully designed state-of-the-art warships have glass bottoms, so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “Baaa” to BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shut, I Hope Austrulia Will Come End Riscue Us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No Worries” to “She’ll Be Right, Mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I Think We’ll Need To Cancel The Barbie This Weekend” and “The Barbie Is Cancelled”. There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
Finally, MyLaowai has authorised the awarding of a Wet Pussy to these traitorous scum, for services rendered to the Chinese Communist Party:
Really Wet Pussies. We hope they die of cancer.
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